Baby Teysko - we lost you on Tuesday night and you are back up with the angels in heaven. We are so sad. Words cannot express the agony that we feel right now. I am clinging to your dad. He is clinging to his AA support and sponsors. I delivered you at the hospital, and we have a box that has pictures of you. I have not looked at these yet, and I don't know when I will. Someday, maybe, I will be strong enough to look at you. Not yet. Not today.
I am understanding the meaning of living one day at a time; and this morning, our first morning back from the hospital, I am finding comfort in doing little things like cleaning up the house - it got to be really messy while I was sick. Now I know I was sick so long because you got sick too. We were both making each other sick. I am so sorry. Anyway, I am cleaning up the dishes that have been in the sink for a few days, and paying attention to the cats, which they like. I am crying a lot. A whole lot. I didn't know it was possible to cry this much.
We are going to heal, and we will try again. Because that's all you can do in life. The alternative is to go crazy, and there's not much point there. We know that we will have a baby. It won't be you. I won't call any other baby Baby Teysko - that is your name. And when it comes, we will tell it that it has a little brother who is its guardian angel, and maybe then we will look at the pictures together.
We love you so much, and even though this is the worst pain imaginable, I wouldn't have traded having you inside me for 20 weeks. I'm pretty sure that you're up in heaven now, hanging out with my grandma and your dad's grandmas, and they are so happy because they get to meet you. We will meet you someday too.
Love, mom
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Baby T, we're SICK
Baby T - we've come down with the flu, you and me. Well, probably me more than you. You're probably just wondering why mom is in such a crappy mood. I hope you're doing ok in there. Being sick makes me worry about you - I'm drinking a lot of fluids because they say that's the most important thing for you right now. But I still worry. I don't want you to get sick too. We're taking care of ourselves, though, as best as we can.
The big excitement is that we're going to London next week, the two of us. We're going to hang out with your Uncle Sandor and Aunt Anna Louisa, and we're going to expose you to some lovely choral services at Westminster Abbey, and King's College in Cambridge, and we're going to eat as many number 43's from Wagamama's as we can. Yay for your first trip to London! Oh, we're also going to look for a pram for you at Mothercare. I really want a nice European-style pram rather than the tacky carseat-stroller combo's they have here. So we're going to have fun in Mothercare and find you a lovely pram so I can walk you around the lake in the springtime. Yay!
The big excitement is that we're going to London next week, the two of us. We're going to hang out with your Uncle Sandor and Aunt Anna Louisa, and we're going to expose you to some lovely choral services at Westminster Abbey, and King's College in Cambridge, and we're going to eat as many number 43's from Wagamama's as we can. Yay for your first trip to London! Oh, we're also going to look for a pram for you at Mothercare. I really want a nice European-style pram rather than the tacky carseat-stroller combo's they have here. So we're going to have fun in Mothercare and find you a lovely pram so I can walk you around the lake in the springtime. Yay!
Friday, September 24, 2010
Baby Wardrobe
I also bid on a lot of gender neutral stuff - 40 pieces, 0-9 months, on ebay. $25. Dang, I'm good.
I had fun washing and folding all the stuff I got the other day. It's all in a cleared out drawer in my dresser for now. We'll get you your own cupboard when we do up the nursery. But for now, we're sharing :)
I should say that I'm feeling GREAT the past few days. I've been really watching my sugar intake, and I think that's helping, especially first thing in the morning. Eggs and steel-cut oatmeal for us. No cereal. No juice. None of that stuff. We're doing good, me and you. Tonight we're going out. I've been putting off getting a haircut for weeks because I've been too tired. But we're doing it tonight. And we might even go to Target if we're feeling really adventurous. Tomorrow and Sunday we're going to rock out at the Epicenter concert in Fontana. Get your earplugs ready!! Don't worry. If it's too loud, we'll go sit in the car. I don't mind looking like a fuddy duddy. I have bigger priorities now.
Love,
mom
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Another month, another doctor appointment
Dear Charlie/Hermione;
We had another dr. appointment today, and got to hear your heartbeat really loud and strong. Yay! I'm so proud of your heartbeat! It's beyond awesome.
I'm so glad that you're going to be born at White Memorial. I really miss living around there. I love our place now, and I'm glad you're going to have your first years in the clean mountain air and away from city life, but man, there's just so much more personality in East LA. For example, the muffler shop outside the exam room now has a computer chair sitting upside down on its roof. Because really, where else would you put a computer chair? And we are so gangsta - your dad noticed that somebody tagged the dust on the windowsill. Seriously? But Dr. J is beyond awesome, and we've decided that you're going to rep East LA by being born there. You can maybe wear a Dodgers outfit home (though your dad is still thinking about that one since he's lost at the moment with everything going on in the owners' divorce - maybe someday he'll explain it to you), and I can call you mija and not sound too much like a poser. And even when we move around and live in Pennsylvania, and England, you can still have your East LA street cred and listen to Don Omar if you want.
Anyway, I don't have much to say at the moment. I'm feeling pretty tired - it was still dark when we woke up. So I'm going to hope I sleep well tonight. I've taken to curling up with a cat when I lay down, hoping that their purring relaxes you as much as it does me.
Love you,
mom
We had another dr. appointment today, and got to hear your heartbeat really loud and strong. Yay! I'm so proud of your heartbeat! It's beyond awesome.
I'm so glad that you're going to be born at White Memorial. I really miss living around there. I love our place now, and I'm glad you're going to have your first years in the clean mountain air and away from city life, but man, there's just so much more personality in East LA. For example, the muffler shop outside the exam room now has a computer chair sitting upside down on its roof. Because really, where else would you put a computer chair? And we are so gangsta - your dad noticed that somebody tagged the dust on the windowsill. Seriously? But Dr. J is beyond awesome, and we've decided that you're going to rep East LA by being born there. You can maybe wear a Dodgers outfit home (though your dad is still thinking about that one since he's lost at the moment with everything going on in the owners' divorce - maybe someday he'll explain it to you), and I can call you mija and not sound too much like a poser. And even when we move around and live in Pennsylvania, and England, you can still have your East LA street cred and listen to Don Omar if you want.
Anyway, I don't have much to say at the moment. I'm feeling pretty tired - it was still dark when we woke up. So I'm going to hope I sleep well tonight. I've taken to curling up with a cat when I lay down, hoping that their purring relaxes you as much as it does me.
Love you,
mom
Monday, September 20, 2010
The weekly recap
Baby T! You have no idea what this past week has been like. I've been feeling kind of icky and not sleeping very well. My bank account got hacked (you don't need to know what a bank account is yet - let's just suffice it to say that you don't want it getting hacked) and then on Saturday, after I initiated a stress-reduction-intervention on myself and was walking through the woods at the lake, I nearly passed out. It was really scary. I was walking along, minding my own business, and then I sat down, and before you know it I was feeling faint, and dizzy, and throwing up, and the whole thing was just plain nasty. So much for my contemplative walk in the park. My first thought, of course, was your safety. But I am assured that you are warm and safe in there, and whatever was going on was just my body reacting to something.
Actually, I called the doctor today to tell them about it, and their current theory is that I'm anemic, and had a little spell. That would explain a lot about how I've feeling. Tomorrow is my next scheduled appointment, so they will test for anemia then. Either way, I'm a little freaked out to go back to the lake by myself for a little while. So I will be conscripting your dad to go with me. It was a very scary couple of moments for me. I didn't know what was going on, and how I would make it back to my car. But it passed, and we're all right now, me and you. I even feel you moving around pretty regularly now. It's still not strong enough to have your dad feel yet; I just feel it on the inside. He's hoping that it happens soon - he's anxious to start bonding with you, too.
Speaking of bonding, your dad has been talking to you a lot lately. Nearly every morning when he wakes up, he rolls over and says good morning to you. When I leave for the office, he kisses by belly. When I come home, he pats my belly. And man, is my belly growing.
This was me over the weekend. Check out that belly on me! It's kind of crazy. My back is starting to hurt, but it's ok because then I get more backrubs from your dad. Yay for backrubs!
Anyway, I'm hoping I get to sleep early tonight because we have our appointment with Dr. J in LA tomorrow morning at 9. Early! I have to leave at 7-ish then. Yuck!
Hopefully I'll get to hear your heartbeat again. Oh! I caught it on the home doppler on Wednesday, I think. Really strong and clear. I heard mine, and then I moved the sensor just a little bit and I heard a heartbeat that was twice as fast. That was you! I tried again yesterday and didn't hear anything, but you've probably moved around. Dr J will find it tomorrow. Yay!
I'll be 18 weeks on Wednesday. You'll be around in 22 weeks or so. Pretty soon we'll be halfway there.
Love you,
mom
Actually, I called the doctor today to tell them about it, and their current theory is that I'm anemic, and had a little spell. That would explain a lot about how I've feeling. Tomorrow is my next scheduled appointment, so they will test for anemia then. Either way, I'm a little freaked out to go back to the lake by myself for a little while. So I will be conscripting your dad to go with me. It was a very scary couple of moments for me. I didn't know what was going on, and how I would make it back to my car. But it passed, and we're all right now, me and you. I even feel you moving around pretty regularly now. It's still not strong enough to have your dad feel yet; I just feel it on the inside. He's hoping that it happens soon - he's anxious to start bonding with you, too.
Speaking of bonding, your dad has been talking to you a lot lately. Nearly every morning when he wakes up, he rolls over and says good morning to you. When I leave for the office, he kisses by belly. When I come home, he pats my belly. And man, is my belly growing.
Anyway, I'm hoping I get to sleep early tonight because we have our appointment with Dr. J in LA tomorrow morning at 9. Early! I have to leave at 7-ish then. Yuck!
Hopefully I'll get to hear your heartbeat again. Oh! I caught it on the home doppler on Wednesday, I think. Really strong and clear. I heard mine, and then I moved the sensor just a little bit and I heard a heartbeat that was twice as fast. That was you! I tried again yesterday and didn't hear anything, but you've probably moved around. Dr J will find it tomorrow. Yay!
I'll be 18 weeks on Wednesday. You'll be around in 22 weeks or so. Pretty soon we'll be halfway there.
Love you,
mom
Monday, September 13, 2010
Sunday Snoozes
Hey Baby T! We had a fun weekend. Your dad's best friend from when he was a kid came up from San Diego, and we had Thai food in Lake Arrowhead. I think you liked it! They were up late doing paintings, and I took a nap at around 5pm. I've been napping a lot lately. I don't sleep well at night, so I need to nap throughout the day to make up for it.
Sunday I made a pot roast in the crock pot. I'm not a big beef fan, but it sure smells good in the fall and it makes the house all warm and delicious smelling. So we ate pot roast all day yesterday, and took naps in between meals and watching football and formula 1. I also made an apple pie, so we had that, and that was yummy. Of course when it came time to go to sleep at 11pm, I couldn't, and was up until around 2. It's very frustrating. I just lay there and think and have imaginary conversations, and the whole thing is just bad. Your dad got up early to go fishing when it was still dark outside. Now he's back and napping, and I'm trying to get some work done.
I'm almost 17 weeks pregnant which is almost halfway there. 23 weeks left. It doesn't sound like much. I know things are only going to get harder with sleeping, heartburn, etc. So I'm kind of looking forward to it ending. I don't want to wish it away, though, so I'm trying to stay positive, and enjoy the peacefulness and miracle of you growing inside of me.
I just need a good night's sleep and I'll feel better. We're listening to trance music to stay awake. ATB and Tiesto and some mixes on youtube. It's helping. I think this is the first time we've listened to trance music together. I hope you like it!
Love,
mom
Sunday I made a pot roast in the crock pot. I'm not a big beef fan, but it sure smells good in the fall and it makes the house all warm and delicious smelling. So we ate pot roast all day yesterday, and took naps in between meals and watching football and formula 1. I also made an apple pie, so we had that, and that was yummy. Of course when it came time to go to sleep at 11pm, I couldn't, and was up until around 2. It's very frustrating. I just lay there and think and have imaginary conversations, and the whole thing is just bad. Your dad got up early to go fishing when it was still dark outside. Now he's back and napping, and I'm trying to get some work done.
I'm almost 17 weeks pregnant which is almost halfway there. 23 weeks left. It doesn't sound like much. I know things are only going to get harder with sleeping, heartburn, etc. So I'm kind of looking forward to it ending. I don't want to wish it away, though, so I'm trying to stay positive, and enjoy the peacefulness and miracle of you growing inside of me.
I just need a good night's sleep and I'll feel better. We're listening to trance music to stay awake. ATB and Tiesto and some mixes on youtube. It's helping. I think this is the first time we've listened to trance music together. I hope you like it!
Love,
mom
Friday, September 10, 2010
My skill of holding two seemingly contradictory thoughts at one time...
Hey Baby T...
I'm feeling a little bit melancholic right now. Maybe it's hormones. I don't know. Last night we got rid of the elliptical machine, so the room that will be your nursery is really roomy now. When your dad was taking it apart before the people came to pick it up, I started crying. Change is really hard for me. I'm a Taurus, that's my excuse. For a long time, change was my life. From 1996 to 2005 I lived in fourteen places. In four states (not counting the state of confusion) and two countries. Change was the constant. I could remember what year it was by where I lived. 1998 was Knoxville. 1999 was LA. 2000 was Barnet and Highgate in London. 2001 was Muswell Hill and Finsbury Park. 2002 was back at home. 2003 was NYC. 2004 was Nashville. And then I moved back to LA and met your dad and settled down, and I've been in the same house for three years now, and I'm forgetting what year it is, and when Obama was elected. All this domesticity isn't natural to me.
But that aside, last night when we got rid of the elliptical, it became really real to me that you're coming and that we need to get ready. This was the first thing we did to really get ready for you. Up till now it's been mostly theoretical. Now there's an empty space where there will most likely be a changing table or something, and I'm going to be taking more walks around the lake because I don't have an elliptical.
I know that sounds really selfish. Of course I'll trade an elliptical for a baby. Obviously. But I guess the thing is that I've become so comfortable in my life, and it's going to get seriously shaken up in a few months. I won't be able to just go off to London for a long weekend anymore (though, thank heavens, I am working one in in October - to stock up on my products from Boots and take early-morning mystical pictures of the bridges over the Cam - I can't wait to take you to London before you're even born! You'll get to hear Anna Louisa and Sandor sing songs to you so you'll recognize them when you meet them after you're born).
So last night I was sad about the elliptical and this giant empty space where something baby-related will be featured. Tonight I found my first mp3 player - it holds like 16 songs, and I loaded it with music I like to listen to when walking to work in NYC. There's an eclectic mix - some of the Rutter Requiem, the Spice Girls (??), David Gray, a little Afro-Portuguese jazz, Blondie, etc. I had it all timed perfectly with my walk. I would usually make it through all the songs, depending on when I hit the red lights, and listening to it now takes me back on those walks. It's David Gray and I'm walking past the K-Mart on 34th street by Madison Square Garden. Crowded House (everywhere you go you always take the weather with you) and I'm walking through the construction tunnel outside the empire state building.
And I guess until now there's always been this idea in my head that I could go back to that if I really wanted to. I could have that life again, if I wanted it. It might mean convincing J that he really wants to live in Murray Hill, but it wasn't outside of the realm of possibility that I could load up my mp3 player, grab a bagel from the cart on the corner, and walk and eat, and then stop at Dunkin Donuts for a hot chocolate to warm me up halfway through my 45-minute walk to work.
But I'm never going to be that person again. I could do the same actions, but it wouldn't be the same because I'd be a different person. It's true that you really can't ever go back. And, not for the first time, I'm being reminded of that, and for someone who hates change, it sucks. After February, there will never be another day of my life that you aren't my first thought when I wake up, and my last thought when I go to bed, no matter what I do and where I go.
I'm going to learn about worlds previously unknown to me, like Dora the Explorer. I will become obsessed with departments in Target that I don't even realize exist right now. Like what's actually in the baby aisles, anyway? I'm going to find that out, pretty soon. And you can't ever un-know something once you know it. I'm going to be a person who knows about Babies R Us and sizes of children's clothes. I will re-learn algebra to help you with your homework. I will go to parent-teacher conferences and discuss your skills in saying your times tables. I will sit through Christmas pageants. I will bake cookies for bake sales. So help me, I will clap at talent shows.
On the upside, I will have a compelling reason to follow my dreams and my spirit; to show you how to do it, and be a role model. So you'll be proud of your mom, and so that you'll see how to take risks, get knocked down, and get back up and do it again. You will pretty much be the reason I do anything, even breathe. Not in some kind of weird overposessive way, but simply because in a very literal sense, you are me and I am you, and my life will be about providing for, and nurturing you, and providing you with an environment that encourages you to know yourself, know your bliss, and follow it. And the best way to do that for you is to do it for myself.
I am reminded of an e.e. cummings poem I found once, years ago. At the time I thought it was ridiculously romantic, and wanted to give it to a boy I had a crush on. But now I see the true power and beauty of the words...
losing through you what seemed myself,i find
selves unimaginably mine;beyond
sorrow's own joys and hoping's very fears
yours is the light by which my spirit's born:
So I'm kind of melancholy tonight. It's not because I'm not excited to have you. But because my world is about to be rocked in ways I can't even imagine right now, and I wish I could prepare more. Fasten my seat belt, and hold on, I guess...
I'm feeling a little bit melancholic right now. Maybe it's hormones. I don't know. Last night we got rid of the elliptical machine, so the room that will be your nursery is really roomy now. When your dad was taking it apart before the people came to pick it up, I started crying. Change is really hard for me. I'm a Taurus, that's my excuse. For a long time, change was my life. From 1996 to 2005 I lived in fourteen places. In four states (not counting the state of confusion) and two countries. Change was the constant. I could remember what year it was by where I lived. 1998 was Knoxville. 1999 was LA. 2000 was Barnet and Highgate in London. 2001 was Muswell Hill and Finsbury Park. 2002 was back at home. 2003 was NYC. 2004 was Nashville. And then I moved back to LA and met your dad and settled down, and I've been in the same house for three years now, and I'm forgetting what year it is, and when Obama was elected. All this domesticity isn't natural to me.
But that aside, last night when we got rid of the elliptical, it became really real to me that you're coming and that we need to get ready. This was the first thing we did to really get ready for you. Up till now it's been mostly theoretical. Now there's an empty space where there will most likely be a changing table or something, and I'm going to be taking more walks around the lake because I don't have an elliptical.
I know that sounds really selfish. Of course I'll trade an elliptical for a baby. Obviously. But I guess the thing is that I've become so comfortable in my life, and it's going to get seriously shaken up in a few months. I won't be able to just go off to London for a long weekend anymore (though, thank heavens, I am working one in in October - to stock up on my products from Boots and take early-morning mystical pictures of the bridges over the Cam - I can't wait to take you to London before you're even born! You'll get to hear Anna Louisa and Sandor sing songs to you so you'll recognize them when you meet them after you're born).
So last night I was sad about the elliptical and this giant empty space where something baby-related will be featured. Tonight I found my first mp3 player - it holds like 16 songs, and I loaded it with music I like to listen to when walking to work in NYC. There's an eclectic mix - some of the Rutter Requiem, the Spice Girls (??), David Gray, a little Afro-Portuguese jazz, Blondie, etc. I had it all timed perfectly with my walk. I would usually make it through all the songs, depending on when I hit the red lights, and listening to it now takes me back on those walks. It's David Gray and I'm walking past the K-Mart on 34th street by Madison Square Garden. Crowded House (everywhere you go you always take the weather with you) and I'm walking through the construction tunnel outside the empire state building.
And I guess until now there's always been this idea in my head that I could go back to that if I really wanted to. I could have that life again, if I wanted it. It might mean convincing J that he really wants to live in Murray Hill, but it wasn't outside of the realm of possibility that I could load up my mp3 player, grab a bagel from the cart on the corner, and walk and eat, and then stop at Dunkin Donuts for a hot chocolate to warm me up halfway through my 45-minute walk to work.
But I'm never going to be that person again. I could do the same actions, but it wouldn't be the same because I'd be a different person. It's true that you really can't ever go back. And, not for the first time, I'm being reminded of that, and for someone who hates change, it sucks. After February, there will never be another day of my life that you aren't my first thought when I wake up, and my last thought when I go to bed, no matter what I do and where I go.
I'm going to learn about worlds previously unknown to me, like Dora the Explorer. I will become obsessed with departments in Target that I don't even realize exist right now. Like what's actually in the baby aisles, anyway? I'm going to find that out, pretty soon. And you can't ever un-know something once you know it. I'm going to be a person who knows about Babies R Us and sizes of children's clothes. I will re-learn algebra to help you with your homework. I will go to parent-teacher conferences and discuss your skills in saying your times tables. I will sit through Christmas pageants. I will bake cookies for bake sales. So help me, I will clap at talent shows.
On the upside, I will have a compelling reason to follow my dreams and my spirit; to show you how to do it, and be a role model. So you'll be proud of your mom, and so that you'll see how to take risks, get knocked down, and get back up and do it again. You will pretty much be the reason I do anything, even breathe. Not in some kind of weird overposessive way, but simply because in a very literal sense, you are me and I am you, and my life will be about providing for, and nurturing you, and providing you with an environment that encourages you to know yourself, know your bliss, and follow it. And the best way to do that for you is to do it for myself.
I am reminded of an e.e. cummings poem I found once, years ago. At the time I thought it was ridiculously romantic, and wanted to give it to a boy I had a crush on. But now I see the true power and beauty of the words...
losing through you what seemed myself,i find
selves unimaginably mine;beyond
sorrow's own joys and hoping's very fears
yours is the light by which my spirit's born:
So I'm kind of melancholy tonight. It's not because I'm not excited to have you. But because my world is about to be rocked in ways I can't even imagine right now, and I wish I could prepare more. Fasten my seat belt, and hold on, I guess...
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