Goodbye

Baby Teysko - we lost you on Tuesday night and you are back up with the angels in heaven.  We are so sad.  Words cannot express the agony that we feel right now.  I am clinging to your dad.  He is clinging to his AA support and sponsors.  I delivered you at the hospital, and we have a box that has pictures of you.  I have not looked at these yet, and I don't know when I will.  Someday, maybe, I will be strong enough to look at you.  Not yet.  Not today. 

I am understanding the meaning of living one day at a time; and this morning, our first morning back from the hospital, I am finding comfort in doing little things like cleaning up the house - it got to be really messy while I was sick.  Now I know I was sick so long because you got sick too.  We were both making each other sick.  I am so sorry.  Anyway, I am cleaning up the dishes that have been in the sink for a few days, and paying attention to the cats, which they like.  I am crying a lot.  A whole lot.  I didn't know it was possible to cry this much. 

We are going to heal, and we will try again.  Because that's all you can do in life.  The alternative is to go crazy, and there's not much point there.  We know that we will have a baby.  It won't be you.  I won't call any other baby Baby Teysko - that is your name.  And when it comes, we will tell it that it has a little brother who is its guardian angel, and maybe then we will look at the pictures together. 

We love you so much, and even though this is the worst pain imaginable, I wouldn't have traded having you inside me for 20 weeks.  I'm pretty sure that you're up in heaven now, hanging out with my grandma and your dad's grandmas, and they are so happy because they get to meet you.  We will meet you someday too. 

Love, mom

Baby T, we're SICK

Baby T - we've come down with the flu, you and me.  Well, probably me more than you.  You're probably just wondering why mom is in such a crappy mood.  I hope you're doing ok in there.  Being sick makes me worry about you - I'm drinking a lot of fluids because they say that's the most important thing for you right now.  But I still worry.  I don't want you to get sick too.  We're taking care of ourselves, though, as best as we can. 

The big excitement is that we're going to London next week, the two of us.  We're going to hang out with your Uncle Sandor and Aunt Anna Louisa, and we're going to expose you to some lovely choral services at Westminster Abbey, and King's College in Cambridge, and we're going to eat as many number 43's from Wagamama's as we can.  Yay for your first trip to London!  Oh, we're also going to look for a pram for you at Mothercare.  I really want a nice European-style pram rather than the tacky carseat-stroller combo's they have here.  So we're going to have fun in Mothercare and find you a lovely pram so I can walk you around the lake in the springtime.  Yay!